Avenue Of Reminiscence

What a long hiatus. I am finally back after 3 months.

I am into my second week of my holidays but i seriously dont feel like it's one. I have chemistry workshop at Jurong Island, economics talk at NUS, interact day and the list goes on. That only leaves me with 2 weeks of holidays left.

My first week was spent at NTU, where i participated in pre-university seminar 2008. It was truly an eye-opener for me, as i got to interact with many people from different schools, and even got to wear other blazers for photo taking, something not possible in other events.

Overall, pre-u sem was interesting because other than the usual presentations and panel discussions, we got to race about the campus, watch controversial films and erm.... build sandcastles? Okay... leave the sandcastle building aside cause i have done it 4 times before. I was a presenter for my school so when i saw how the Q&A people from other schools got shot down by a flurry of "intelligent" questions on the first day of presentation, i got truly scared. However, my presentation topic was on shopping, something not so controversial, so i guess not many smart HCI and RJC people decided to pose questions at me. At the end of the day, i only got 3 questions, and that was only after the emcee requested questions from the audience. The other two teams, NUS high school and CJC got more questions, but the quality of response gradually dip as more people simply asked questions for the sake of asking and with poor questions come poor responses. I personally felt i did quite well for the first 2 questions but the last question was sort of weird so i didnt really answer it.

Okay, presentation aside, the panel discussions were boring but that was this response by some Marine Parade MP which left me fuming. One Republic Poly guy from my group questioned Singapore's aim to be a global city, home for all(the theme for the seminar), but neglected those living in opposition wards. The MP's response was trying to insinuate that opposition MP do not do enough to fight for their voters' rights and by voting for the opposition, the residents knowingly place themselves in a risk of losing out compared to those who vote for the government. What kind of response is this? Isn't this supposed to be non-political as we strive to progress collectively as a nation. That led me to come up with a new theme for the seminar, ( Global City, Home for all.....pro-establishment supporters).

But other than the disappointing panel discussion, everything else was good. MJC was good as organisers as everything went smoothly and according to plan. They also stuff us with food as we get 6 meals a day. The SLOs were also very nice and efficient, but this Vincent guy kept being bullied by us. I totally love my group. Although we have people from diverse educational background, we were able to mix together well and i must admit that i enjoyed being with all of them, especially the last day, when we were hiding from teachers on night patrol. It was super exciting. We eventually got caught in the girls' dormitory, but we went back again after that to listen to Jeraldine dish out advice for those in relationships. LOL....

Pre-U sem is probably the best camp(sort of) that i have ever been to. I dont really regret it, even if it meant that i am one week short of my holidays. I wish i can go for it again. Yeah, maybe as Guest-of-honour 20 years later. Muahahahaha.....

Wow. I just realised i havent posted for a very very long time. Must have been the bloody hectic schedule that i have been going through for the previous 2 months. Just glad that i now have a small break for me to recover from the prolonged lethargy brought about by the never ending pile of homework and projects.

A level results were out yesterday but i didnt really get to see how well my school did. We had a couple of 7 distinctions and more 6 and 5 distinctions but i know that this is nothing compared to other jcs that are better than us. And my class received their mother tongue results yesterday too. I was not involved since i sat for HMT exams during o lvls but it is quite sad to see only 5 people getting As for chinese while the rest have to settle for other results. Its really a far cry from other classes, where most of them got As. Reminded me of sec 3 when i received my cl results in RV. At least we got a half day off that time... Lessons in AJC continued and i had to endure the strenuous PE session in the hands of some very sadistic PE teachers and my hands still hurt like crap now.

After PE, i went for jap lesson and we wanted to find out how the pioneer batch of H2 jap students did for their A lvls. Horrified to hear that only 3 out of 7 got A, with the rest scoring B, D, D and E respectively. Worst thing was that sensei only expect perhaps around 5 people in our class of 18 to score As, with the better results going to RJC. Screw RJC. They have their own japanese library and their own in-house programme. Its like you can have jap consultation in school. WTH? We only get to see our sensei twice a week and even so, lessons arent very productive either. But having said so, i am not going to sit back and do nothing about it. I believe we have what it takes to prove sensei wrong and show RJC that we are no pushovers. 絶対　A を取る！！！RJCは強いけど俺らもできる。

Oh ya. Then went out with some jap classmates to watch koizora (sky of love). Its a jap movie that i had been waiting for months to come out. It is supposed to be a sad movie and i was expecting to cry because people said it was like ichi rittoru no namida (one litre of tears). But no! We were like laughing all the way because the movie was so cliche that it was so easy to predict what was going to happen next. But their were certain scenes which were quite touching but it wasnt enough to make me cry. Overall, i felt that it was an okay movie in terms of plot and acting but it would have been better if they made it less predictable. And, the theatre was filled with couples and 8 of us felt like extras when we occupied the first row and spouting japanese all the time, sort of affecting their mood or something? I dunno. Haha.

Oh well, its march holidays already. Another six months and we will be in the midst of our exams. But first, i will have to clear the pile of assignments calling out for me first and have to think of how to complete my NYAA and get the pre-u sem proposal going. Essentially, i am saying, byebye holidays.....

It has only been 2 weeks since the start of the new school term but I am already feeling the heat. It does not help either that I have yet to complete my holiday assignments because the workload just piles higher and higher each day. The additional H3 chemistry also means that my timetable is now screwed. FYI, i end on 730pm on mondays and fridays due to japanese lessons, 615pm on tuesdays and thursdays due to H3 chem lessons, and 530pm on wednesday due to cca, which happens to be the earliest day already. Although I have plenty of free periods in between, i still think this is pretty screwed since i could be spending more time at home instead.

Anyway, i just have to cope with this timetable, at least till the June holidays, after which the h3 syllabus will be completed and i will get a shorter version of the timetable so that i get more time to prepare for my A levls. Talking about A levels, it just occurred to me that it is just like 10 months away. That's quite early, considering that only last year my friends and i were joking about those already mugging for their A levels.

Haiz, last year.... i wonder how was the hc orientation this year. Few of my juniors are over there, and from their accounts, i deduce that it must have been fun. How i wish i could just relive those days... Then somemore today the hc jap class ppl left early to go back to their school to watch the fireball, whatever it is called. Reminded me of last year's orientation, when we were laughing and Woan Keng when Monica was singing on stage, as well as going out for supper with the senior class at newton circus.

Aiya, that was one year ago already. But now i am too busy to reminisce about such things anymore. School is still as bad as ever and i just cant wait to get out of it. Hopefully, next year when i get my A level results, i can get something to smile about in the school.

Chinese new year coming up. I am so looking forward to this deserved period of rest before i continue this hectic schedule of mine.

It's christmas but i am rotting at home. No christmas party, no friends to go out with and the worst thing of them all is that most of the sms-es i sent out never came back.

It feels like i am away from all the fun, the excitement, the hype over christmas. The only thing i did was probably to go out with my parents to orchard to look at the christmas decorations. But other than that, i have absolutely no christmas joy.

My dad just told me to work hard for next year and think of nothing else for the rest of the year. What he said made sense, but is it possible? The year is so long and gruesome and we are currently only near the end of 2007. God knows how many things happened this year. Who can guarantee they dont happen next year? Speaking of which, school is reopening in like 6 days? OMG, i have not even finished half of my holiday homework...

It like every beginning of the year, or during some time in the middle when everyone is busy like hell, its always good to think of christmas or the end of the year. But they always come and go, and its like all the anticipation has gone down the drain. No wishes came through, but all i had was more troubles, more problems and more disappointments.

SL just finished and PW was gone a long long time ago. I should in fact be happy about it. But more things just keep piling up. Where were the days when we could just sit down, do nothing and watch the days pass without any consequence on us? Last time this year i was looking forward to JC1, but it just seems that i have no will to go back to school for a second year of torment and agony.

Is it possible to score 4 As for A level? Or is it just a distant dream. Everything look so possible from the start but all kinds of hope seem to fizzle out throughout the journey, and it now seems almost impossible, especially when looking at one's own grade and seeing other people in other jcs doing so much better. I still remembered this year's orientation and the first 3 months at hc. All those fun-filled memories are what i have left in me. Even those hopes that i have been quietly holding on to seem to diminish faster than i thought they would, and i dont even know what i can do now.

Looks like there were many things to curse and swear in the year 2007. Wonder if 2008 would be a better year for me and everyone else?

Time passes so fast that before i know it, more than half the holidays have passed. The three weeks spent in Japan was extremely fun and i bought tons of stuff, especially hello kitties. LOL, those ppl who have seen my collection....

Homework is piling up to my waist and i still have no idea how to clear them. Went out a couple of times after i came back but these have not helped me solve my lack of motivation to start doing homework.

Service Learning is coming up on the 20th December and i am currently working my ass off. Most probably i can kiss goodbye to the rest of my holidays, with all the fun replaced with homework, SL and tuition classes. Yeah, tuition classes!! My mum signed me up for math tuition because i absolutely suck at it, but i am not sure whether those classes will ever help me improve anyway.

So many things have happened over the holidays, and sometimes i wonder if i am moving too fast. I would really like to slow down, take things one at a time but i know that chances dont come easy. But neither do i want to jeopardise anything in the process. Damn, what a dilemma...

22 days to school reopening. Absolutely hate it.

Countdown: 5 days to Japan.

I cant really say I that i cant wait to leave S'pore for Japan. There are so many things left undone, especially the SL project. But at the same time, I really need a break, a long one.

I let myself get hurt time and again and I dont know why, but these days i tend to be more sensitive about the things i see and feel around me. For example, i easily get upset over a photo or get worked up over an innocuous remark directed at me. Of course i dont show it directly, but that is exactly how i feel deep inside.

The damage is already done and there isnt a single thing i can do about it. Somehow i am amazed how you can be so happy all the time yet i am dying on the inside. I dont blame you for the pain in me because i know you do not a single thing about it, so bring on the rain, bring on the pain, and bring on the thunder.

As i am writing this, msn seems to be poking fun of me, with you signing in every now and then, yet i am not able to talk to you. More like i dont want, cause i believe i have hurt enough. I really hope two weeks in Japan is really enough for me to forget about you. I let myself too deep into this and now i have to pay the price.

With you gone, i dont really have much of a replacement. Those days of endless conversations on msn are gone, and they are now replaced with short 5-10 min chats with random people. I dont think you know how much of an impact you have, but without you around, my world stops revolving.

I know you wouldnt feel a single thing. You are too busy with your life and all the people around you are already giving you the attention you need. I on the otherhand, have not many close friends that i can confide to, so let me rot down here while you enjoy yet another vertex in your life. I keep asking why must such things happen to me and the people around me, but i dont seem to be able to get an answer for this.

Japan, i really need you now. Wash away all my troubles and bring on the fun. I dont want to hurt anymore, so show me the real meaning of life.

1 more day to the end of the promos!!! Tomorrow is chem paper but i guess i will take a break from my mugging for a moment.

The entire week has been sort of the routine everyday. Morning exams, then go out for lunch after exams, then go home and mug for the next paper before going to bed thinking about what is going happen the next day. Until today, the papers have been going on quite smoothly, at least did not really screw up. That was UNTIL TODAY. The math paper today got to be the hardest paper i have ever done before, and i think i left out more than 40 marks worth of question blank!!! Dont even know whether can pass now, let alone get a good grade. I swear i will go vegetarian for a week if i can get at least a D for the paper.

Math paper, still have chem paper to look forward tomorrow. Hope i can get an A, if not my hopes of taking H3 chem will go down the drain.

Haiz, when exams come to an end, i start wondering what i will do now that i am more free. I want to go out, but apparently there isnt really a lot of people that i can go out with and that is very sad indeed.

And that kind of empty and lonely feeling is coming back again. OMG!! When i am busy with exams, i can put those things aside. How i hope i can just not think of anything right now.

Talking about the kind of emptiness, dont even know whether anyone visits this page anymore. But i guess that is good, cause i can pour out whatever kind of crap feeling inside me so that i dont have to hurt anymore. I REALLY NEED A FRIEND!!! ARGH!!!! Keep telling myself that these are things that i dont need but i just cannot shake off thinking of the things that i want. What's the point of waiting if you dont get it at the end of the day? But what am i going to do if i do not continue to wait? Someone please enlighten me!!! Oh ya, i forgot, there isnt really someone except maybe WeiSeng who is going to see this page anytime soon. So let me drown in this misery and not surface again anytime soon...

As usual, there is always quite a long interval between posts. This is because there is simply no time to blog, with so much homework and project work.

Two weeks ago I hosted a Japanese student who was in Singapore for a two week exchange programme between his school (St Michael's High School) and Anderson JC. It was really fun despite the initial language barrier. My classmates and i brought him to many places such as Sentosa and Bugis and he enjoyed himself a lot i can see. As fun as it was to have him around, its rather sad to see him go. I recall people almost in tears during the farewell at the airport and it was a touching moment.

Now with the Japanese student gone, its time to play catch up in my school work. Damn, after two weeks of playing and slacking i am now facing piles of undone homework and notes. Really need to work extra hard to get good grades for promos.

Less than 40 days to promos. Dont really know what to do. Should start mugging but cant find any motivation. Must really clear all my thoughts before i can really accomplish anything, especially those which have troubled me all this while.

Anyway, the post is going to end here because as the subject suggests, i am really busy. Will write again some other day.

Looking back at my mid-year common test results, I think it completely sucked. Here's the grades for individual subjects.

Japanese: don't know yet
Math: D
Econs: D
Chem: C
GP: B
Haiz... I was expecting a much better performance than this, but we all know that sometimes effort does not equate to results. I simply need to start mugging and hope for the best for promos.

Argh!! Everything is killing me. My GPP is not even approved and now i am told that EoM first draft is due next week. WTF!!! Furthermore, the survey is not even conducted yet! PW gg liao, sianz.

On a brighter note, tomorrow is class outing. Its the inaugural class outing so i am not so sure about the turn out. Hopefully it will be successful, especially when i am the one who organised it. Also, i received news today that I will be going to Japan for a immersion programme. Yeah! Havent been to Japan for quite a while already. Hopefully this trip will be a fulfilling one. But there's one problem. This exchange programme clashes with THIMUN, the UN thingy held at Hwa Chong, which means that i will not be able to return to HC to take a look anymore. :( Never mind. There will always be another chance someday, hopefully.

I cannot help but feel weird these few days. Something wrong is happening to me. It may be partially due to results, but i am sure that there's more to it. It simply feels weird when you know that something ongoing beside you is closely related to you, but the protagonists in the preceedings know nothing about it. I just do not know whether i should just play on with the game or give my position away, but in any case, knowledge of my presence will prove to be a heavy blow for one of these people.

"We should let nature take its course. Is this sound advice?" This is the GP essay question that was debated in class today. I think i will not interfere with things in this moment so as to see what turns out in the end. I am eagerly waiting to see what happens because i have clear knowledge that nothing will happen to me. In the meantime, I will continue to put on a fascade and continue to feign ignorance. I may look like a hypocrite, but in this world, altruism doesnt really exist.

OK, enough of crap for today. Back to mugging, or actually, prepare for tomorrow's outing. :)

Yeah, the holidays are finally here. But after spending my first week of holidays in the delta experience camp really left me with little time to complete my holiday homework and revise for the upcoming common test.

To start things off, let's talk about the delta experience camp. Even though it practically ate up one quarter of my holidays, i found the camp was extremely fulfilling and i learnt a lot from it. It was something like a leadership camp and it was exclusive for class leaders. Therefore, it did not come as a surprise that the moment we reported, we were shouted at by the student instructors and were made to stay in push-up position until everyone reported. Although we were extremely unhappy by the tough discipline instilled during the camp, we knew that the instructors were merely following camp protocols.

During the camp, i was given the opportunity to try out activities that i have never attempted before, such as high element and general stations activities like the swinging log and the wall. It was incredible that the student instructors managed to come up with different learning points through these activities that can be applied in our everyday life and i was glad that i managed to learn ways to lead my class better.

Then it was the sandcastle building activity. It was extremely fun piling sand and moulding shapes for the sandcastles but it was also energy-draining at the same time. I swear that was completely knocked out that night.

The next day, my team and i set off for Changi Airport for a service learning project. We were supposed to let a group of children know more about Changi Airport through the games that we have organised. It seemed simple enough on paper but when it was executed, i thought that i was going to die of fatigue. The children were running all over the place and were spouting profanities all the time. It was difficult enough just to stop them from running around but making them shut up was more like mission impossible. However, we learnt that these children came from broken families and thus we became more tolerant towards their misbehaviour. Thanks to the skills we learnt before this, we were able to overcome all the adversities we faced and managed to complete the project successfully.

The highlight of the entire camp was the Land Expedition that we had the last night. We trekked all the way from school to Sembawang Park in the dark. It was fun because we worked as a team and made our way through the various checkpoints in the middle of the night.

Yep, that's about the interesting parts of the Delta Experience camp. But now i am faced with a big problem. I am left with 3 weeks to complete all the stuff that i need to do and revise for common test. Damn, there goes my holidays!

A run through of the list of things i need to do shocked me. There were at least 20 holiday assignments and i still havent completed my gpp yet. Common test revision has also yet to commence. Haiz, how i wish there was more time...

Although i have been inured to doing flag days, today's experience seriously made me consider not doing it again.

I signed up for a 7 hour flag day with the knowledge that two of my friends will be accompanying me, but just one day before the event, one told me he was sick and the other simply just withdrawn. I was frustrated, but since i could not pull out in the last minute, i still had to go in th end.

Imagine doing a flag day alone under the sweltering sun in an unfamilar setting(the flag day was at marine parade). I was standing beside a lamp post like an idiot for half of the time, looking at the VJC people swarming the place. I managed to collect a reasonable amount of donations at the end of the day, but you should have seen the kinds of people I have encountered. There were of course nice people who stopped and made a donation when I called out to them and those who prepared their wallets and purses ready even before they approached me. But there were also the very unfriendly kind who stared at me when I approached them or even worsed, ignored me completely and walked off. Some of these people were parents bringing their kids with them! What kind of example were they setting? That basic courtesy of at least smiling before declining isnt necessary? At times I really wanted to gorge out those eyes of theirs off or swear profanities behind their backs, but I realised that there was no point wasting my energy on them.

I also made an interesting discovery. The ang-mohs and people who donned fancy clothes were usually the ones refusing to make a donation. Whereas the average bunch of Singaporeans were the ones with kind hearts and souls to pay attention to this pathetic figure standing under the hot sun for a long period of time.

I swear that I will never ever do a flag day voluntarily. I would rather spend my time at the Cheshire home for the severely disabled, answering to the residents' beck and call and doing whatever I can do in my capacity. I no longer find a meaning in flag day other than it being the easiest way to obtain c.i.p hours, thus this shall be my last flag day, and hell a day it was.

School life can be as monotonous as it can be, especially when you are in AJC,but i think I can still cope, albeit barely.

Well, I have been doing fine in terms of academic studies, although i have to be careful not to become too complacent at times. Also, i have been elected class leader, which doesnt really sounds as prestigious as it sounds. It is more like sai-kang warrior, and when you realise that around 10% of the cohort are class leaders, there really isnt anything to be proud of.

The only thing that really makes me happy is that I am in Interact club. It is really enjoyable to visit Cheshire home, a home for the disabled, every wednesday, where i get to interact with the residents there, putting all those hectic schedules on hold and forgetting all my problems. Yeah, i am running for Interact vice-president. Hopefully, i can get the job though.

I am starting to freak out over PW. Despite my PI being commended by my teacher, I still think that it is no match for those done by my peers in other schools. Moreover, my group is still undecided over which groundbreaker we should do and i really hope that this can be resolved soon. Read the newspapers the other day and it really came as shock that there was such a huge disparity in PW results among different schools. Hwa Chong had a whopping 85% As while RJ had a reasonable 40%. However on the other end of the list, we see Temasek with a dismal 7% and St Andrews with a distrastrous 1%. Heard that these schools are going to review theb results but i have no idea how it is going to be done. AJ had 15% As but that looks rather low to be, especially when i am gunning for an A. Hopefully we will have a better grading system this year because i dont want to have a C on my report card.

Read some blogs yesterday and I saw some photos taken during Artemis Fac Outing. Haiz, i really miss Artemis, with those cool activities and the absolutely fantastic fac com. Moreoever, the Artemis fac shirt is 10 times nicer than my house t-shirt. Too bad they didnt win CSM, if not it would have been great. Jia Nan was boasting about how his Apollo won the races while those Ares people were ecstatic that they won the cheering competition. I missed AJ's sports day because i had jap lessons but i received news that my house came in second. Yeah, no more ulu corner for our house. The grandstand wasnt big enough to sit the entire school so they placed the last house at one small corner of the track.

Ok, got to go back to my mugging. Got chem common test tomorrow.

Haiz, i noe i haven blogged for a god damn long time. And for those who still havent notice it, i haf changed sch. Bleah, AJ uniform sucks but i guess i will haf to stick with it for e next 1.5 yrs.

Sch has been extremely boring ever since it started and i dun foresee any great improvement in e near future. Well, all i noe is that e sch is extremely mug (i witnessed everything with my own eyes), and for those who think that my acct is severely exaggerated, u can ask anyone. But at least my class is getting kind of fun as we gradually get to noe one another. Although many of us take different subj combi, it is heartening to see that we still get tgt for lessons such as P.E.

Talking abt P.E, i attended my worst P.E lesson in my entire life. Although i haf been briefed abt e strenousness of e P.E lessons as well as how e instructors can get sadistic, i nvr imagined it could haf been so bad. Oh my, we were made to do so many things that most probably was beyond our physical limits and some ppl even vomitted ( not me )aft succumbing to e torturous treatment. Let me give a brief description of how e lesson went. We were made to run 2 rounds ard e track as warm up and that was still fine. Wad came next was totally appalling. We were made to run one round within 2 mins and b4 we even haf e time to catch our breaths, we were immediately made to do a series of exercises. Aft that, e routine repeats itself. The sweltering sun did not make e situation better and by e end of e lesson, i was feeling an immense ache all over my body.

Imagine having to do this twice all week! ARGH!!!! I dun wanna think abt it anymore.

Whoa!!! i didnt really believe my ears when i heard that we won the talentime vocal group category because we didnt kind of expect it. I was completely ecstatic and jubilant and the crowd response simply pushed the atmosphere to the highest point. I want to thank one and all for all the support that you gave us, which prompted us to give our best performance. Especially the people from 07s63, your invaluable smses and the time you people spent doing placards and flags really touched me and i felt really happy to have done the class proud.

Recovering from the surprise i received during talentime, i realise that posting results are actaully just two days away. Oh my, i really hope that my appeal will be successful. I will do whatever i can to appeal, and with ammunitions such as teachers' testimonials, class support or even talentime performance, i really hope that i can stay in 07s63 and continue doing the class and school proud.

Talking about teachers' testimonials. I am really touched by the fact that my civics tutor, Mr lim, and my japanese teacher, endo sensei, agreed readily to my request for a testimonial. Thank you teachers for sacrificing your precious time for my cause and i promise i will work even harder when i return to hwa chong to continue my jc life.

That's all for now i guess, will post on the appeal results and perhaps the class gathering tomorrow.

Another week, another miserable passing of events. When can i ever get what i want such that i can settle down and be happy?

My O level results sucked. I dont understand why i scored so badly. Despite scoring 8 distinctions in all my subjects, i end up getting a terrible L1R5 of 10, thanks to all those A2s in my report card. Wanted to cry so badly, especially after working so hard for it and see all my efforts go to waste. As if that isnt enough, some people still have the cheek to spite me. Armed with their 6,7,8 points, they go around lamenting how bad their results are, while showing off their results slips littered with As. Sometimes I really feel like slapping them, but on second thoughts, I told myself not to waste my energy and dirty my hands.

I really wonder if it was predestined that i should get such results. If so, I really hope that is because whoever up there wants me to take the long route to success. I am going for general appeal for hc after the results of school postings are out. At the same time, i am applying for Language Elective Scholarships for Japanese. Hope that i am successful in both areas, so that i continue to study in this school which makes me feel at home.

I like my faculty a lot. YAY!! ARTERMIS ROCKS!!! We are rather successful so far in all inter-faculty competitions but the annual cross country. We had arguably the best original play among the 3 faculties( Apollo's play wasnt original, thus not included here), and i think we got many fac points from dramafeste. Haiz, but cross country was a total failure. Despite having the best runner in the entire school, we still came in a disappointing 3rd place for girls and 4th for guys. If it wasnt for crosscountry, we would already have been leading the faculty points charts.

I left early with kheexuan yesterday from mac ritchie because we had vocal training at music clinic. We didnt really learn anything much though. Fang Zhong Hua merely taught us how to improve our stage presence but i felt that was also an important aspect to a successful performance. Felt rather happy because despite going off-key during the falsetto part, I was praised for having the groove when i sang the song. HAHA, didnt really know what is groove, but always hear on project superstar, so should be something good. Left the place with an extra tinge of confidence, and hopefully during talentime, i can shine. Talking about talentime, the photo up there is kheexuan and me. We took it at Taka rooftop. Damn cool!! Especially with Chuan Xin and Yun Ting around to provide entertainment by trying to attempt doing Jackie Chan's stunts.

Chinese New Year celebrations tomorrow. Hope can win some fac points for Artemis during the mass dance section, as well as earn $$$ during street market.LOL!!

At last!!! After living 3 weeks of my life in total misery, there is finally something that made me really happy. As most of my classmates should have known, Kheexuan and I have made it into the group vocal finals of talentime 2007! YAY!!!!

Seriously, i think that has really cheered me up a lot. After a gruelling week of tests, homework and emotional distress, things are finally brightening up. It was only just now that I received a call from kheexuan, and the moment i picked up the phone, i knew that something special was going to happen. How i hope more of these will come, and i think getting good results in my o levels will be the best tonic that i can ask for.

Speaking of o levels, the release of the results have been officially set at Friday, 9th Feb 07. Oh my oh my, i am like filled with anxiety at this moment lah, even though there is still many days away.

What i really have to settle now is get good results so that i can stay in hc, as well as catch up with the neckbreaking pace of the curriculum in school. I had not done well in any of the tests so far and i am lagging behind in terms of homework and assignment. Therefore, i think i got to really start moving before it gets too late.

Signing off! hope that the next time i post, it will be to announce that i have done well for my o level results. haha, *cross fingers*!!!!

Ok, today is thursday. It is really remarkable how many things can happen in just a span of a little more than half a week.

Said in my previous post that i was feeling very down because i didn't make it into interact. I took the pains to appeal and finally i was rewarded with a place in the club. However, I will only be an official member of the club after second intake and i cant help but agree with what waimin said. She said that all my efforts will go down the drain if i cannot stay in hc. Therefore i am keeping my fingers crossed and hopefully i will be able to stay in hc.

Secondly, school stuff. Haiz, had 2 tests so far this week and i think i flopped both of them. Although many people keep reminding me that this is only the beginning of the year and that the tests only have a very minute impact on my overall grades, I really wonder if this goes on, how am i suppose to survive in this highly competitive environment. All those homework ( lecture exercises and tutorials ) is killing me!!! How am i suppose to finish all of them when i am not even given the time to do it.

Went for talentime auditions today. Khee xuan and i sang "our story" by tension and as quoted from khee xuan, we didnt really wow the judges but we also didnt go off tune and that is something positive we can take from today's audition. Haiz, i really hope to be able to do something so that i can be proud of myself, but apparently the hope of getting into the finals of talentime is getting farther and farther away.

Now getting into the really painful stuff.

All the above factors only contributed a little to my distress. What hurts me the most is the emotional pain i have to get through everyday in school. Everytime i see a couple walking by, i really feel like crying. Why cant i do that too? Why must u always be in another place from me? I feel the increasing distance between the two of us and you know it too. In fact you were the one who told me about it. But I cannot think of a way to reduce the distance, and if this goes on, i think i will eventually succumb to the harsh reality.

This mental stress is driving me crazy. That is why all of you see me singing sad songs all the time and being extremely emotional. I really cannot help it. This kind of stuff cannot be solved by a third party apparently, so i guess i really have to carry all this load upon my shoulders.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in
a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

How apt. This describes my exact sentiments. But to all those people who only see the most-of-the-time cheerful side of me, you wouldnt understand the pain deep down.

Haiz... went to school this morning and realised that i did not make it through the interact interview. To be frank, i was extremely upset about it. Being 3 years in the club and enjoying what i was doing, i suddenly woke up to the fact that i will not be able to continue all these. To me, interact is like a part of my life. I still remembered going to thailand 2 years ago for the ocip trip. It was extremely fuflilling and it was an enriching experience for me. The people in the village over there were very kind and hospitable and i really felt good to be able to do something to help them improve their living standards. Therefore, i promised myself that i would return to the village again. When i entered hc, my first and only cca that i wanted to join was interact as i would be able to continue doing cip while having the oppurtunity to return to the village. Alas, all hopes were dashed and i find myself now without a single cca.

That was in the morning and it had a great impact on whatever i did the whole day. Not only did i feel lethargic, i also felt that whatever i am doing in life has lost its meaning. For example, during my free period, I did not even have the mood to revise for any subjects even though i was going to have a test a while later. Hence, i think i fared horribly for both my econs and chem tests, making my day worse than ever.

Wanted to go for gefang auditions today but no one wanted to go with me. Besides, i had faculty dance. So after the dance, i followed the dramafeste people and helped out in making some props. After that, we went to LT3 to watch the rehearsal, which in my opinion, wasn't to good.

Haiz, hope the grey skies start clearing up soon so that i can once again see the light.

My god!!! i didnt think that i would actually experience this type of rubbish but lately this was exactly what befell on me.

Normally, when one thing screws up, i think i can still be able to handle ther situation. However, when everything gets screwed up at the same time, i seriously think that i cannot cope with it.

First and foremost, my academics. Although it has just been just a few weeks since the beginning of school, I am already feeling damn stressed up. Homework is still manageable at the least but it is the tests and expectations that are killing me. There are like 3 upcoming tests coming up and i have not revised for a single subject. I can attribute this to the lack of understanding of a particular concept but seriously the world around me revolves so fast that it is almost impossible to catch up. On the surface i may appear to do fine but in real fact, who understands my real pain and struggle behind the scenes.

Next, school activities. With a erratic lesson schedule, i can be very free on certain days and be extremely busy the next. More often than not, most activites in school appear to fall on those busy days. I am like seriously lost now but as usual, no one is there to understand the situation. I am also in total limbo right now because i have yet to receive notification of whether i have successfully made it into interact club. The wait is excruciating and it is further excerbated by the fact that many of the applicants have already been notified. Entering Interact has all along been my goal and if i dont make it, i will not stand a chance in going back to thailand for the ocip trip.

Thirdly, peer pressure. Now that i am in hci, the people around me are super achievers. The mug spirit and the fantastic results are what make me extremely depressed. Its not that i cannot accept setbacks, but it is these mere facts that remind me that i have not put in enough effort in whatever i am doing. With o level results coming out soon, the heat is gradually rising and i think it might just be a matter of time before the pressure in me makes me implode, or the depression makes me unable to stand up again to
future challenges.

Lastly, i have been feeling very weak lately and that is probably due to fact that i am more a less a lone figure. No support and encouragement from anyone around me has already made me lose much of my confidence in myself. Now that my strongest pillar of support is also gone, i might as well not go to school anymore. I hate to say this, but if you are not to stand by me, who else will?

Some people say that depression is temporary and i do hope it is true. i hope this mess in my life will be cleared up soon and hope u, and all my friends around me can stand by me at this difficult juncture, such that i will have the opportunity to stand up again.

やった。私は日本語で書くことができる。日本語を練習するにつれて、上手になります。今度ポストをする時、日本語を使います。